Strength isnt something you have, its something you find.

This last week i went on the Pioneer trek for my stake and i must admit its the hardest thing I've done emotionally physically and spiritually in the longest time. I was tested and trialed a few times and i now see why the Lord does the things he does.I wasn't going to go on this trek for a few reasons I'm sure your all aware,but I'm eternally great full for the pain i felt. I feel stronger and more able to do things I'm supposed to do right now. The women's pull was the hardest thing for me to do especially after i hurt my knee but i know for a fact that i can do hard things. I was proud of myself for doing this by myself i didn't need the emotional support from the person i thought i did. I made it to the top of the hill alone. I love the Lord and the support he gives me even when i fall short or am undeserving. This weekend i became more great full for priesthood blessings and gained a deeper knowledge of the gospel.I love my 3 fountain girls so much they really helped me keep my chin up during this trek.

The Prettiest Mess You've Ever Seen

I did what i thought was "best" and now, i feel my worst. Ill admit i ha vent been Miss sunshiny at all lately but I'm now at my ultimate low. I guess it can only look up from here. I think its the little things ill miss. But i was told this was it, this is what would save me and i REALLLY need to be saved ;( From now on i want to be happy, ill try my hardest.I'm counting on the Lord this time because everything else has failed, and to be honest he's who i should have turned to first. Do not get wrong i have my best friend and couple others but right now i think he's the one who's going to turn this around.

Cali baby (:

So this last weekend i want to Cali with the infamous Walters family (yes i missed conference) and i had a wonderful time. As you all know i had never been there before so i had alot of fun. We went to sea world and the beach and the San Diego temple. It was so-oo beautiful its the only temple I've ever seen besides the mesa one so i was in complete shock and awe.I did alot of thinking on this trip and i don't have everything figured out but i think i know what i want... Ive been thinking about dropping out of school i know it sounds pathetic but I'm not sure i can handle it right now and its college i can always start again whenever i want. Idk though i don't want my dad to think I'm a failure. Other than that i don't have much news in the life of Talia other than i have ALOT of conference to catch up on (: TA TA until next timeee.

Dont you think.

That after all this time i would have things under control? I still kinda feel like my life's a huge wreck! I'm trying to salvage all the good pieces and put them together but the bad pieces are where i seem to get stuck. Its weird to me i feel like I'm on the right path one day and the next I'm completely thrown off. It not my faith that wavering its something in me and i cant grasp what it is quite yet :( I keep trying to figure out what it is that i need to do but I'm not sure i know what it is and when i do know if ill have the strength to be able to ... I really hope all of this will pass sooon because its starting to become almost impossible to deal with. On the bright side I'm going to Cali in a few hours I'm WAAAYY exited to get outta here i need a break from everyoneeee. Hopefully while I'm gone ill get a reality check of some sort? I l ove you all (you know who you are.)

What do I do?

I think my biggest challenge right now is know what im supposed to be doing. What in the world is my purpose. Ive had SO much thrown at me and i'm not sure where to go with this huge pile of things that are possibilites. I dont want to do something and not have it be what im supposed to be doing. I want to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be but im not even sure how to get to that point. I have so much on my plate right now im going to snap eventually. My biggest concern and constant thought is am I supposed to be waiting? I really wish this was just something i could know. Its such a long time to wait to see if it will really happen if its all true or not, and is that worth it?? I guess i just dont know.

Run

So i was prompted tonight to run.
I haven't gone in a long time I've been to "busy"
So i put on my running shoes grabbed my ipod and hit the pavement.
It hurt really bad at first my chest was hurting and i had been crying so my head hurt but i kept going.
Then after a few minutes with every step i felt a little better, just a little.
I kept thinking to myself " If i can make it just a little further" and before i knew it i was far away from what really hurt.
My legs hurt now and my feet are a little sore but, my heart hurts a little less.
This is the first time I've been proud of myself in a while.

So another week has come and gone. This one once again took the best of me but this time i was truly affected and i decided i no longer will allow myself to fall apart when you walk away... I love you still, with everything in me. I want to spend forever with you but in this time that we're apart whether its permanent or not i NEEED to take care of myself and reach the goals that i have set, i need to go to the temple and do work for my family i need to pass school an find the old me that i no longer am. I will never be fully healed and that's ok, because i have all those perfect memories. After all, you made me grow you completed me in ways no one will ever understand or be able to experience... I love you with a love that not many get to feel. I hope you find what your looking for and don't forget me while you do it, I'll be waiting but not forever.